Motherhood.

I've been thinking lately.

What am I doing? I'm 21 and I have a son and one on the way. I have a husband who is a full time student whom I see very little during the school year. We're SO broke, and will be for at least another 7 years.

What do I do with my day? I change diapers between napping because I'm so exhausted from chasing a toddler around.

I get so depressed with my progress of my day when I sit down and see that everything I did for the day, has to be done all over again before I go to bed.

I get tired and discouraged.

I wonder what other people think of me. I wonder if anyone that I knew from way back when see me as a "failure". I wonder if anyone has ever see me as someone that could have had it all, but lost it.

And then I get a little boy up to me nose to nose, grinning and saying, "hi momma".

And none of it matters anymore.

I forget that Jared is trying so hard to make this work and that Joel is just a toddler who knows no different.

I forget that I love my blessing of whom I am entrusted to teach and love. I love being able to snuggle with my baby before bed. I love kisses that I don't ask for from slobbery lips. I love being able to watch him run and play and laugh. I love that he folds his arms and says "Joel prayers" on his own. I love watching how excited he gets over yogurt! I love watching him run outside. I love when he gets goofy. I especially love it when he gets goofy.

I love what kind of a father Jared is. He is so loving and kind and helpful. He is everything to Joel. He's a great daddy. He works so hard.

And he does it all for Joel, the baby, and me.

I get so worried about what others think of me and what people in a past life might think of what I'm doing. I love my life. I love the choice I made to marry the best and kindest man in the world. I love the blessing of having such a naughty little boy for a son :) I being excited about being pregnant. (although I'm not excited to be pregnant ha.) I love teaching Joel about what he sees and what he is doing.

I love looking at him and thinking, "wow. he's mine."

I love looking at Jared and thinking, "He picked me."

I know my Heavenly Father loves me and my family. I know that through my faith and doing the things i need to be doing, my little family will be so blessed. I know that there is a plan for us. And I know that times like these suck, but I also know they won't last forever.

I'm hard on myself sometimes. And I lose sight of what I'm doing and why.

But I love the reminders that bring me down to earth and shake my memory of why I chose to do this :)

This morning.

I just had to post about my lovely morning. (I haven't had one in a long time.)

Joel woke us up at about 7:30 this morning and I rolled over to Jared and said, "I'll give you $35 dollars of my own money if you will let me sleep in a bit."

So, Jared gets up and I sleep an additional 2 hours! So nice.

I got up, took and uninterrupted shower, and got dressed. I walked into the kitchen and said something like, "I want a cake doughnut like I've never wanted one before."

And get this.

Jared put his shoes on and went to Meijer.... For doughnuts.

Amazing

So, while Jared was at Meijer, Joel had some apple slices. And what was he doing with them? He was putting them in and out of Jared sneakers and then eating them. Kind of gross, I know. But so funny.















THEN! Joel found the recycling. And a soy sauce bottle.... and was "drinking" out of it. I promise it was clean! After he put it up to his mouth he would go "Mmmm, ahhhhh"











































I really had the best morning in the world. And I even woke up with hurt feelings. I love my boys so much.

Look at my baby

It's been a while. With moving and the melodrama of all of that... I'll post some pictures when I get it all decorated as I would like it to. We love our apartment. It's perfect! I don't feel overwhelmed when i look around. i'm so excited to have people over for the first time this weekend!

The pregnancy is .... going. A few irritable mishaps with insurance has made it a bit stressful, but it's really going great. I'm not sick at all and, frankly, less hormonally moody. I cannot wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl. And i can't tell if it's my gut or want that is telling me its a girl. We'll cross our fingers i guess :)

Jared finishes his first year back to school today! I'm so proud of him. He works so hard for our family and i cannot think of anyone else in the world who has ever put up with as much as i put him through and love me as much as he has. it's been the BEST two years of my life.

A little Joel update:
Joel can say "ball" , "Car", "eyes", "Bye", "tractor", "truck". "fish", "apple", "banana"
He knows where his belly button, eyes, nose, and hair are located.
If you say "outside", "tub", "tooth brush", or "get in your chair" he know wheres to run.
He gets into really really goofy moods. if you say "ahhhh! you're so funny joel!" he spins in circles and laughs at himself.


And seriously. Look at his pictures. He is beautiful.

Well, all free things must come to an end

In the two years Jared and I have been married, we have only lived a total of 6 months by ourselves. Now, it's time that we move on to bigger and better things.

We found a home.

An apartment home, but a home none the less. The apartment is brand new, built 2009. We're the only people in the entire building (at least for the time being). Our apartment is upstairs and we're on the corner so we only share one wall, which is amazing. You can go HERE for some pictures.

I've been feeling a little lost with where we belong as a family and this truly is an answer to my prayers.

I'm really really really sad to be leaving the Second Ward family. I really am. I've lived there basically my entire life and know everyone (give or take a few people.). And I've met some really great new people. Hopefully, although I know there are no families our age, I'll make a friend.

I'm just so excited to move. Just not the act itself. Unfortunately, Jared is studying for finals the next few weeks which leaves me to do the move myself.

Anyone want to do some service? You could watch the boy or help me pack?!? I'll make you dinner?!?!

The Park.

We love the PARK! I've decided that in the morning, we're going to walk to the park. and if we feel like it... we'll go to the park in the afternoon.

He loved loved loved the birds. and now says "KUCK! wow Kuck!" (meaning duck...)


























































Then we got to the park and he goes straight for the stroller...







































So I put him up in the swing. And he hated it.


And the, like a true little boy, he played in the dirt.



































And I finally saw got him up on the slide, and look how pretty cute he is:)

























































And can you really resist this.... face? "I CAN'T smile mooom!"























































And then after he went down the slide he was all about climbing up the stairs for the slide.




















He wasn't so sure of the bridge. I wouldn't be either if there was a gaping "holes" on the size bigger than me....




















And the BEST picture of them all, I left him at the top of the slide so he could learn to go down him self... not a good idea.


Yeah, we have fun there. I have a few videos. But they're on my phone and my phone is lost. :)

In other news, he says ball, button, truck, duck, and wow. He's getting sooo cute. I love playing with him.

Love him.

:)

Well...

We've had a rough couple of days.

I'm a little lost.

The Fetus.

Well, we had our first ultra-sound. It was kind of scary because the Doctor couldn't find the heartbeat with the dopplar (what is the spelling of that?). BUT! All is well.

Ok. So. After the doctor tried the dopplar, Joel, Jared and I went into the ultrasound room. The lady, who was super rude, said to us "I need to let you know that we don't typically let children come into the ultrasound room so, just next time, don't worry about bringing him."

so, my jaw dropped a little bit and I said, "Well, Jared, how about you can sit in here, see the baby and take Joel out to the waiting room."

So, Jared kind of nodded, the ultrasound lady put the thing on me and Jared had like, 15 seconds to look before she said, "Alright. There you go." and shooed Jared out of the room.

wow. a little abrupt, you think?

So, during the whole ultrasound, she was like, "do you need to pee? Your bladder is full." "Are you sure you don't need to pee? Look at your bladder!" "Just know we have a bathroom just down the hall."

This woman was nutz-o.

and, PS, I did NOT have to pee.

Anyway. This baby likes to MOVE! I mean, he/she is a mover and a shaker. It makes me nervous for future months when he/she can reach my ribs. My poor poor ribs. We didn't get a good video of the baby kicking their legs. (I'm having a hard time not putting this in "his" or "her" terms.)





In other news. We finished our first family vacation! Yay! It was really great! Friday we were in south Haven, MI, Monday we were in Lafayette, IN, and by Tuesday we were in Clarksville, TN. It was fun. Some of Jared's family, some of my family. It was a blast. And Joel did SO well! I have some funny videos I need to post of him being GLUED to the laptop watching cars. Maybe I'll post about it tomorrow.

I love my family. Jared is so good to my family, Joel makes me smile and cry everyday, and this new baby is really making me excited.

It's been a GREAT day.