Motherhood.

I've been thinking lately.

What am I doing? I'm 21 and I have a son and one on the way. I have a husband who is a full time student whom I see very little during the school year. We're SO broke, and will be for at least another 7 years.

What do I do with my day? I change diapers between napping because I'm so exhausted from chasing a toddler around.

I get so depressed with my progress of my day when I sit down and see that everything I did for the day, has to be done all over again before I go to bed.

I get tired and discouraged.

I wonder what other people think of me. I wonder if anyone that I knew from way back when see me as a "failure". I wonder if anyone has ever see me as someone that could have had it all, but lost it.

And then I get a little boy up to me nose to nose, grinning and saying, "hi momma".

And none of it matters anymore.

I forget that Jared is trying so hard to make this work and that Joel is just a toddler who knows no different.

I forget that I love my blessing of whom I am entrusted to teach and love. I love being able to snuggle with my baby before bed. I love kisses that I don't ask for from slobbery lips. I love being able to watch him run and play and laugh. I love that he folds his arms and says "Joel prayers" on his own. I love watching how excited he gets over yogurt! I love watching him run outside. I love when he gets goofy. I especially love it when he gets goofy.

I love what kind of a father Jared is. He is so loving and kind and helpful. He is everything to Joel. He's a great daddy. He works so hard.

And he does it all for Joel, the baby, and me.

I get so worried about what others think of me and what people in a past life might think of what I'm doing. I love my life. I love the choice I made to marry the best and kindest man in the world. I love the blessing of having such a naughty little boy for a son :) I being excited about being pregnant. (although I'm not excited to be pregnant ha.) I love teaching Joel about what he sees and what he is doing.

I love looking at him and thinking, "wow. he's mine."

I love looking at Jared and thinking, "He picked me."

I know my Heavenly Father loves me and my family. I know that through my faith and doing the things i need to be doing, my little family will be so blessed. I know that there is a plan for us. And I know that times like these suck, but I also know they won't last forever.

I'm hard on myself sometimes. And I lose sight of what I'm doing and why.

But I love the reminders that bring me down to earth and shake my memory of why I chose to do this :)

This morning.

I just had to post about my lovely morning. (I haven't had one in a long time.)

Joel woke us up at about 7:30 this morning and I rolled over to Jared and said, "I'll give you $35 dollars of my own money if you will let me sleep in a bit."

So, Jared gets up and I sleep an additional 2 hours! So nice.

I got up, took and uninterrupted shower, and got dressed. I walked into the kitchen and said something like, "I want a cake doughnut like I've never wanted one before."

And get this.

Jared put his shoes on and went to Meijer.... For doughnuts.

Amazing

So, while Jared was at Meijer, Joel had some apple slices. And what was he doing with them? He was putting them in and out of Jared sneakers and then eating them. Kind of gross, I know. But so funny.















THEN! Joel found the recycling. And a soy sauce bottle.... and was "drinking" out of it. I promise it was clean! After he put it up to his mouth he would go "Mmmm, ahhhhh"











































I really had the best morning in the world. And I even woke up with hurt feelings. I love my boys so much.

Look at my baby

It's been a while. With moving and the melodrama of all of that... I'll post some pictures when I get it all decorated as I would like it to. We love our apartment. It's perfect! I don't feel overwhelmed when i look around. i'm so excited to have people over for the first time this weekend!

The pregnancy is .... going. A few irritable mishaps with insurance has made it a bit stressful, but it's really going great. I'm not sick at all and, frankly, less hormonally moody. I cannot wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl. And i can't tell if it's my gut or want that is telling me its a girl. We'll cross our fingers i guess :)

Jared finishes his first year back to school today! I'm so proud of him. He works so hard for our family and i cannot think of anyone else in the world who has ever put up with as much as i put him through and love me as much as he has. it's been the BEST two years of my life.

A little Joel update:
Joel can say "ball" , "Car", "eyes", "Bye", "tractor", "truck". "fish", "apple", "banana"
He knows where his belly button, eyes, nose, and hair are located.
If you say "outside", "tub", "tooth brush", or "get in your chair" he know wheres to run.
He gets into really really goofy moods. if you say "ahhhh! you're so funny joel!" he spins in circles and laughs at himself.


And seriously. Look at his pictures. He is beautiful.