Motherhood.

I've been thinking lately.

What am I doing? I'm 21 and I have a son and one on the way. I have a husband who is a full time student whom I see very little during the school year. We're SO broke, and will be for at least another 7 years.

What do I do with my day? I change diapers between napping because I'm so exhausted from chasing a toddler around.

I get so depressed with my progress of my day when I sit down and see that everything I did for the day, has to be done all over again before I go to bed.

I get tired and discouraged.

I wonder what other people think of me. I wonder if anyone that I knew from way back when see me as a "failure". I wonder if anyone has ever see me as someone that could have had it all, but lost it.

And then I get a little boy up to me nose to nose, grinning and saying, "hi momma".

And none of it matters anymore.

I forget that Jared is trying so hard to make this work and that Joel is just a toddler who knows no different.

I forget that I love my blessing of whom I am entrusted to teach and love. I love being able to snuggle with my baby before bed. I love kisses that I don't ask for from slobbery lips. I love being able to watch him run and play and laugh. I love that he folds his arms and says "Joel prayers" on his own. I love watching how excited he gets over yogurt! I love watching him run outside. I love when he gets goofy. I especially love it when he gets goofy.

I love what kind of a father Jared is. He is so loving and kind and helpful. He is everything to Joel. He's a great daddy. He works so hard.

And he does it all for Joel, the baby, and me.

I get so worried about what others think of me and what people in a past life might think of what I'm doing. I love my life. I love the choice I made to marry the best and kindest man in the world. I love the blessing of having such a naughty little boy for a son :) I being excited about being pregnant. (although I'm not excited to be pregnant ha.) I love teaching Joel about what he sees and what he is doing.

I love looking at him and thinking, "wow. he's mine."

I love looking at Jared and thinking, "He picked me."

I know my Heavenly Father loves me and my family. I know that through my faith and doing the things i need to be doing, my little family will be so blessed. I know that there is a plan for us. And I know that times like these suck, but I also know they won't last forever.

I'm hard on myself sometimes. And I lose sight of what I'm doing and why.

But I love the reminders that bring me down to earth and shake my memory of why I chose to do this :)